I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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