I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
