im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I DEMAND FORESKIN
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
