and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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