i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
