how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
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