i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Randomize
