It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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