I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
