i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
