just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
