i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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