I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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