1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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