I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
