i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
