do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
