he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
How external is "for external use only"?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
