somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
