ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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