I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm having to shit out rocks
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