community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
