You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
