his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Randomize
