My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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