Yo dont text me then not text me
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
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