the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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