You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
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