She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
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And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
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Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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