So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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