nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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