haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
