Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
