Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
