i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
