Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
