Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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