The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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