she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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