So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Randomize
