I met the friendliest cop last night
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize