i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
That's how pantless uber rides happen
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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