it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
