I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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