Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I supernannyed him into submission
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