Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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