Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
