So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
