So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
