I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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