so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
