worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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