Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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