I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
