my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
