Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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