the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
